Finding Peace While Grieving: Lessons I’ve Learned So Far
April 23, 2022 was the day my life changed forever. My father passed away after spending nearly a month in the hospital. It was unexpected and devastating. I’ve experienced a pain that’s unexplainable, one that could possibly never be remedied.
The process of dealing with loss and grief has been…..interesting. There are moments where I am “okay”, and moments where I’m not. I’ve had moments where I have accepted the fact that my dad is no longer here physically with me, but there are moments where I’ve wrestled with God, looked at the funeral program and said “This didn’t happen. This was a dream.”
You’ve probably heard people say that there are lessons we learn through bad times. That is true. But I’ll be honest with you, sometimes the lessons you learn don’t come along during a blissful vacation or moment that you’d see a movie character go through after a devastating event. Sometimes you learn your lessons in the midst of pain. Some things you’ll learn early on in your grief journey, others may come along years later. Here are 5 important things I’ve learned about grief so far:
There isn’t a perfect way to grieve.
Read that again. And again. And again. How you process and grieve the loss of someone you love is unique to you. Your thoughts, feelings, and actions during this time are uniquely yours. (As long as you’re not harming yourself or others)
Getting “over it” should never be the goal, healing is.
Losing someone you love isn’t something you can just get over. In fact, you may never get over losing them, and that’s okay. They were a huge part of your life and you created beautiful memories together. Healing during this time doesn’t mean that you’ll “get over” losing your loved one, as if you’re running a race, but rather learning continuously how to cope with the loss. Healing is ongoing.
You’re not a burden, and you never will be.
Feeling like a burden to those around me is a major thing I’ve struggled with for years, and it continues to be since I lost my dad. People have asked me, “Who told you that you were a burden?” and I couldn’t answer them. I’ve learned that if you can’t find the answer that validates the negative belief you have about yourself, then that belief is indeed a lie and it should be forgotten. If someone tells you that you aren’t a burden and they show you, let that speak louder than the lie that says that you are.
You are not alone.
As cliché as this sounds, we are not alone. Though our journey with grief is unique, losing someone is common. There are countless people who have been in your shoes, felt what you’ve felt, even when it doesn’t seem like it. Find a therapist, a grief support group in your community, or lean on those in your circle, for more support. You do not have to go through this alone.
It is okay not to be okay.
As mentioned before, I’ve had moments where I’m “okay” and can manage my days a bit easier; and I also have moments where I cry, get angry, and don’t want to talk to people. I’m learning that it’s okay to have days like that. We're allowed to be sad and grieve. We know that time doesn’t stop moving, even though our world has changed. Sometimes life forces us to put our feelings aside and make sure everyone else is okay. We may not get a moment to really process the passing of our loved one because of our responsibilities, including any new responsibilities we took on during the time we cared for them. Please give yourself time and grace to just “be”.
I hope this helps you as much as this has helped me writing this. Remember that your loved one is always with you and there is no time limit on your healing journey. My prayer is that you’ll find strength and a little bit of sunshine during this time.
-Anyssa xoxo
