Freedom in Forgiveness
“I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It’s a gift you give yourself.”
Today, I want to talk to you guys about the F word. (No, not that one. I’m talking about forgiveness.) Many people pride themselves in being petty and quick to cut other people off, but no one really talks about forgiveness anymore. In spite of what people may say, there’s beauty in forgiving someone. First off, I want to say that it doesn’t make you soft. Forgiveness is actually freeing, and you move forward as a stronger, better person. Holding a grudge can be harmful because you are holding onto anger that can hinder your personal growth.
You may think you’re doing fine, but that’s not the case. Think about how angry or sad you get whenever an ex or a relative comes to mind, and how fast those hurtful memories come to you. For me, personally, there were a few people who got under my skin, no matter how “fine” I appeared. One of them was my mother. I was angry at my mom for a long time, and I would get upset whenever people asked about her. I kept conversations short, saying she was that she was doing well when I haven’t spoken to her in weeks.
I resented her for leaving at a time that I viewed as important in my life. And because of that, my relationship with her became strained. I also grew jealous of my friends who had close relationships with their moms because everything seemed to be going well with them, and they didn’t have to deal with the BS I had to deal with. As time went on, the bitterness I had started to affect me and my relationships with other people. I was angry with other relatives for not being there for my mother, who then could’ve been there for me. I isolated myself, thinking that doing so would prevent me from getting hurt by another person. If I left first, you couldn’t hurt me. If I was around you, you didn’t get 100% of me. That was my mentality for years.
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
But it wasn’t fair for me to do that, especially to people who loved me and took care of me during that time. If I wanted to grow, and foster healthy relationships with other people, I needed to let that bitterness go and forgive my mom. When you forgive, you’re able to move forward without anything from the past causing you extra, unnecessary pain in other areas of your life. It’s not easy, but it is worth it.
The act of forgiveness is defined as the means to “cease to feel resentment against an offender”, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Most people assume that forgiveness means that you excuse what the other person did. It doesn’t. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the other person gets a pass to hurt you again, nor does it justify what they did. You just acknowledge that the other person offended you, and that you are making the choice not to use your energy resenting them. You may not make that choice right away, and that’s okay. What you may feel in that initial moment is valid. And the feelings you have after that moment are valid, too.
“Forgiveness is vitally important for the mental health of those who have been victimized. It propels people forward rather than keeping them emotionally engaged in an injustice or trauma. Forgiveness has been shown to elevate mood, enhance optimism, and guard against anger, stress, anxiety, and depression.”
Releasing any feelings of resentment frees you from reaping the negative benefits it has. Forgiveness also frees you from that need for closure. That’s right. You don’t always need closure in certain situations. We have to realize that not every person we fall out with will give us the closure we need. We also need to realize that we may never get that apology, either. I don’t think I ever got an apology from my mother for how things went down years ago. And I had to accept that. I could’ve made the choice to keep fishing for that apology, or I could just forgive and move on with my life. And I chose to do the latter. But I didn’t do that so she and I could be best buddies, like I had hoped when I was younger. I did it because it was clear that I was never going to get the closure I was looking for. She made her choice, and I had to make mine.
I can’t describe how my relationship is with my mother, currently, but it’s not like how it was before. It’s also not how it was 5 years ago, or even last year. But it’s better because I chose to forgive her. I still respect her, but I know it will take some time before our relationship is truly reconciled. Like I said, forgiveness doesn’t mean the other person’s actions are justified, but it also doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with that person. Doing so is a choice you have to make on your own. I’ve chosen to reconcile with my mom, while I have also chosen not to reconcile with other people. You have the choice in whether you want to keep that other person in your life, or love them from a distance.
As the saying goes, “forgiveness is for you, not the other person.” This is true in many ways. Forgiveness frees you from holding on to resentment and any potential internal damage. It gives you the mental clarity to nurture relationships, new or old, with friends and relatives. Most importantly, forgiveness improves your self-esteem. We all make mistakes, and some can be difficult to accept. That is when we need to forgive ourselves. Without doing so, we begin to think that we’re not good enough to be, or do, anything we set our minds to. Self forgiveness is necessary. It requires us to recognize our flawed human nature, but also remember that we have the power to grow and change our ways.
The act of forgiveness is powerful. I like to view it as a shift in energy, meaning that you shift from harboring bitterness to being at peace. While the hurt we feel is valid, forgiveness helps us to release the hurt and start our journey to healing. And healing helps us cultivate better relationships with ourselves, as well as other people. Hurt people hurt people, but healed people heal people. You come out stronger in the end, allowing yourself to live life free from bitterness and resentment. Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. There’s freedom in forgiveness.
-Anyssa
